rei_7

As much as I hate closing, feeling as though I've lost the majority of the day, I can appreciate the amount of time it lets me spend asleep. I'm not that bad at remember the dreams I have, probably because its only during rem that I'm truly relaxed. The second dream is making me reconsider some aspects of this life, aspirations mostly..

I don't really have any goals. I was content at being alone, living through my job & family. The only reason I would strive for a better job would be so I could help my family members out. In all honesty I don't spend that much money on anything else. I never aspired for having a family of my own because I didn't like the idea of attachment. But the dream made me want a family. The version of me in the dream had it all - a family, an extremely well paying job, and a group of close friends. We were all having a barbecue, hanging out, and swimming. It was a few years into the future and we all had our own kids. & for an instant I felt not just the feeling of being content, but actually being happy. All our kids were around the same age & something seemed nostalgic & familiar about the idea that they'd all grow up together.

It probably reminded me that as a child I had a close knit set of cousins. We grew up together until my family moved here & my brother and I became isolated from the rest of the extended family. I rarely attached myself to anyone else, friend or family, afterwards. 

Maybe its the AS. Maybe it was the environment. But I know I'm just not right.

I'm hearing conflicting voices within. Some speech seems wise, having absorbed the messages from the past, bracing this mind for disappointment. Others seem hopeful. In truth, with utter reluctance, I just want finality. A confirmation of what I probably already know..

And there it is. Exactly what I was expecting. Why am I even surprised?

Is hope ignorance?

My spirit is lacking..

Today I learned a crucial lesson - energy drinks are not a good replacement for sleep. That or I need something stronger. By 9 am I had taken approximately 250 mg of caffeine and I still didn't feel awake. It reminds me of the realization I had years ago, I drink so many poisons trying to motivate myself into action, but it's never there. Pray for rain, lose yourself type of lesson.

There are stronger chemicals out there. I ask myself why I hesitate taking them when they are within my reach, but I suppose I still have a part of me that wants to live forever.

I was taking with a friend about burning out - the cynicism, the fatigue, the nihilism, being underwhelmed by tasks yet feeling overwhelmed by the sheer quantity, the severe hatred of your so-called superiors. I'm sure she shared my sentiment because it was her 9th day working.

I haven't figured out a resolution for that. The only recourse I'm currently taking is being mentally quiet - going autonomous mode and watching myself from the third person, doing things I don't want to. It's not healthy. But it works for the moment. There must be a long term solution out there.

One of my bosses is facing a particularly tough dilemma on a project he took upon himself. A part of me wants to help him. The other part of me remembers what a close minded idiot he's been & any altruistic feelings fade. Call it nihilism. Call it hate. Whatever.

As each day passes I find myself less inclined to help other people. I see them only as another source of stress, or judgment.

I fell asleep for a bit earlier so falling asleep at this moment seems impossible. I really wish I could use medication.

I had found a friend from elementary school, or she had found me. I guess fb is actually good for something.

Seeing pics of her again, talking to her about how her life's progressed, it reminded me of how much I was in love with her at one point. For 8 years I was in love, if you can call the the affections I felt back then "love." But now I don't feel a thing. It's even hard to muster any significant feeling outside of nostalgia.

At one point she called me cold, heartless. I guess she was right.

I want to have faith in the universe. But..

Its an interesting feeling to know that this current journey has an exact end, a finite conclusion that, unlike most traverses, you've set for yourself.

2 months. 2 more months and this ends. Its not going to be simple. I'm going to be scared and uncomfortable, but its a necessary change.
I should say I'm going to miss the friends I've made, or maybe I should be calling them acquaintances, but that denotes that they've distanced themselves from me purposefully, when in reality it was I - I was the one who didn't go to the parties. I was the one who held my tongue. I was the one who couldn't relate. In the end though, they were my friends. They cared about me enough to say, "Hello," as we passed by each other and make those attempts at small talk. Those smiles, whether feigned or sincere, meant something.

Ships passing by in the night, their captains nodding to each other as if to say, "Hello to another traveler. Its nice to see another light in this black night. I enjoyed your company, even if it was only a moment. But now I have to look forward and focus, for only darkness lies ahead, adieu."

I was @ a meg & dia concert. I had a letter I wanted to give to dia. So I fell in line in the merch area and waited my turn. When the time finally came I donated 5 bucks to the band's cause and handed dia my letter.

The letter told dia how I felt. It told her how I fell for her. It told her how insignificant I felt in the face of the masses that adored her then (pre-09) and now. The letter stated how I knew it couldn't or wouldn't change anything, but it was worth getting off my chest.

After leaving I crossed her line of sight several times. I hoped she'd notice.

But towards the end of the dream I found myself trying to find significance in other interests, particularly my interest in Japanese culture.

I found myself walking in a mall and looking behind me. I thought she would have read the letter and gone after me. When I saw there was no one behind me I grieved for a moment and kept going.

I woke up and thought about the significance of this dream. I thought it'd be worth telling her something, anything, but what would it do? I went back to sleep and roughly an hour later the TV alarm clock turned on. Adele's Someone Like You started playing..

..the irony wasn't lost on me.

Falling asleep in the afternoon either makes me ambivalent or incredibly apathetic. Today I was the former; I carried about the day as if my mind was empty and it felt fine.

Standing in the mezzanine of the Church today I stared blankly at an open space. The same family that arrives 20 minutes late was standing by me. I felt a strange affinity to them because @ this point I'm quite sure they know who  I am since we always stand in the back together.

Today reminded me alot of the east coast, new jersey to be specific. It reminded me of how much I wanted to stay there, but I kept thinking that there was a reason to return to the west coast. I know it was a delusion but I kept thinking that there was someone here in the west coast worth returning for. In retrospect it was an illusion I created to motivate me to return to a place I didn't want to go back to. Makes me think, what was my motivation - was it the person or the concept of the person? I know I had an idea of her in my head - she was warm, kind, a genuinely good-spirited girl. Her smile not only lit up any room, but it felt as if it lit up the dismal halls of my heart. I didn't know much else about her, but I wanted to. If curiosity killed the cat, I would have gladly died to know more about her. I was even going to ask her to prom senior year, if he hadn't beat me to the punch. Ugh I even asked her faux older brother for permission and he said yes. When I found out years later what he did to her, I felt irritated; it was an example of how some guys just don't realize how lucky they are to be with girls like her.

Oh well.

That thought shouldn't have come up @ all, but I saw her today. She and I locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity and I didn't know what to think. I wanted to walk up to her and have a deep soulful conversation. I wanted to hold her hand and listen to everything she had to say. I wanted to share her smile. I wanted to be a reason for her smile. But I kept hearing a voice inside saying, "Stop. This isn't going anywhere."

I've come to the conclusion that the past should only be lesson. When I use it to nurture my self-loathing over past failures and disappointments then its an injustice to the memory and to myself. But therein lies the danger of hope, in wishful thinking.

She'll always be one of my regrets and on pensive days I can't help but wonder how beautiful life would've been if we were side by side.

On a less melancholy note..

Running in the park today was absolutely peaceful. I only ran across one other soul misguided enough to be out @ 9 pm. My cardiovascular health must be improving because I was able to run without needing to rest, that is until the sprints. Sprinting was never really my favorite part of track and field. I was a long distance runner and the 3200m was my event. The 200m and the other sprinting variants just didn't feel right. By the end of the second burst I was having issues walking. I suppose that's a good sign, that I actually worked my muscles to near failure. I should probably reconsider running long distances before sprinting..


On a closing note I've been falling asleep watching ghost hunting shows. I don't know why but it's comforting.